I see you brave girl and I hear your desperate plea for help.
You are battling darkness and holding on to the light in anyway you can.
It’s been a tough week I know. I have watched the sleepless nights as you move uncomfortably from one position to another in unbearable pain. It is followed by lethargy and tiredness dogging your every move the following day.
The pain has been unbearable this week and you have endured it throughout endless hours at work. Your knuckles have turned white from gripping the table edge when it has been too intense.
I see you in the shower at the end of each day and I feel your body let go as the water washes your tears away. This is your release and you take as long as you need darling.
You fall asleep on your shakti mat to escape the back pain you feel but your mind wonders. Why you? You question what else this illness has in store for you. Your monkey mind will not rest.
You write message after message seeking comfort from those you hold dear yet I feel your shame and fear as you erase them because you don’t want to be burdensome or needy.
When you smile at parents and children as they pass by I feel the anxiety and panic creeping up. You try to hold back involuntary tears because it’s too much to hope for anymore.
I see you take your multiple rounds of medication and I hear that niggling thought that wonders if it wouldn’t be better to take them all and end the pain. Don’t you take that path brave girl for that is not the way and you know it. You know it because here you are writing a letter to yourself of all the things you hope somebody would say to you. What would you want to hear?
You are courageous dear girl. You went on an adventure that took you away from everything you knew and you made it successful. Never have you shown more courage.
You have conquered mountains (quite literally) and if that wasn’t sheer determination and grit I don’t know what it was! Yes that was you!!
How many friends do you have all around the world? That is because you are liked and loved by many. People choose their friends you know!!
What about your family? You’ve a pretty big brood going on and I know 110% they love you with more love than they could ever express. That goofball little brother of yours needs his big sister to keep showing him how to be brave (and a little weird) in this crazy world.
Didn’t you just 360 into a completely new career and absolutely nail it?! Yeah you did! Your work family don’t want to let you go and what a compliment that is for somebody who has never worked in that field before!
Let’s also spare a thought for those bands and musicians you love. They need your crazy fan girl ass to be a little OCD and go to 12 of the same show in different countries. Girl… you think of their wages!!
And last but not least you think about you. The you who has fought tooth and nail to get to where she is now. You have fought to love the person you are without the need for validation from others. You have been rock bottom and pulled yourself up more times than I can count. I want you to think about the you who looks in the mirror and fights another day. You are not somebody who gives up easily. You are a girl who will draw upon every ounce of “Henry Dog Warrior” strength and “never ever ever ever give up” because that is what inspires you in life. Life inspires you, your emotions and empathy for others inspire you.
You strive for a meaning in this world, to know what you will leave at the end of it. My dear Sandra you will leave having shown everybody what courage and bravery in the face of an incurable disease look like. You will be the one to inspire somebody I promise you that.
So Sandra, you brave, beautiful girl! Pick yourself up and get back out there. When you feel there is nobody to turn to I hope you will always seek me out, especially when the darkness tries to override. I am the most inner part of you Sandra. I am always here and I will always have your back. Nobody will love you as much as me and make no mistake my darling self, I will go to the ends of the Earth to get you through. You have always been worth the fight!