Everybody has struggles in life that we may never know about. The dictionary defines a struggle as “a long and difficult attempt to achieve something…” Today’s Blogtober prompt is asking me to dig deep and be a little vulnerable with you by sharing one of my own struggles…
Am I worthy?
I struggle a lot with feelings of ‘worthiness’.
I once believed I was irreparably broken. That famous saying “It never rains but it pours” seemed like it was made just for me. I lost love, a job and some close friendships all at once. I spiralled into immense self-loathing and I blamed everything on myself. My relentless ‘Monkey Mind‘ loves it when I indulge in over analysing every insignificant/significant detail of an event. This must have turned me into a somewhat ‘challenging’ friend to be around.
My friends are one of the biggest blessings that I have in life. Most of my inner circle have been with me since my teens – how fortunate am I? It was during my lowest time that they gave me pure friendship and love. They brought me back from the brink of self-destruction.
My ‘tribe’ have listened to the same ‘mind numbingly’ painful thoughts of mine for the last three years. They have watched me repeat unhealthy behavioural patterns (despite their advice) and never once judged me harshly for it. My friends have spent countless hours countering every negative thought I have ever had with ones of love and positivity. There are not enough words in the English dictionary for me to express the gratitude I feel. How can I ever return to them what they have given to me? “Am I good enough friend?”
“Good friends are like stars. You don’t always see them but you know that they’re always there.”
Travelling the opposite side of the world has brought about my struggle. I wrestle with the feeling that I am no longer a good friend. There are time zone differences which make communication harder. I am no longer there for the big events, of which I have missed many. I am currently going through an overdue phase of self-love which sees me working intensely on myself. As a result I don’t necessarily devote as much time to staying in touch as I possibly should. All of these things create a deep fear in me that I am not good enough for the friends that I have.
I am due to go home in two weeks – something I am insanely excited about – But what if I no longer have a place in my tribe? My friends back home have continued to evolve and grow with each other whereas I have chosen a different path. This path may have me away from everything we’ve ever had in common. It terrifies me to think that in being selfish and embarking on this adventure, I have chosen to make new friends at the expense of old ones.
“You are wired for struggle. But you are worthy of love and belonging” – Brené Brown
I am terrible at letting go – of anything. I have truly loved two people in my life and both of these losses were hard to process for different reasons. I have nothing but love and respect for those two individuals but my feelings of self-worth have been in question for a long time as a result of those relationships.
Travelling has taught me lessons I know I would not have learnt if I had stayed. Because of this hindsight I am plagued by new understandings of my behaviour and how I contributed to hurting those I loved. With that guilt comes a self-destructive rationale that I am unworthy of a ‘forever love’. It causes barriers when I meet new people and I struggle being open to the idea of “new love.”
I can only hope that my perseverance and effort to keep learning about myself on this journey pays off. Maybe one day I will feel good enough in all aspects of my life… Maybe…