What if…

I try not to play the ‘what if game’ because it often feeds a hungry ‘Monkey Mind‘. But my daily writing prompt has asked me to share something I always think ‘What if’ about.

I always think about the timing of things in life. What if Kirsty had walked a little slower/faster? Would she have missed the traffic on the road? What would life look like for us both if she were still here?

What if my grandfather had waited one more day to pass away? Would I have used that time to say a sufficient goodbye that I would be at peace with? The reality is that I cannot recall the last time I saw him or what our last words were.

And then there are the decisions we make that shape our lives entirely. What if I had followed through with my desire to not go out for a friends birthday in Cheltenham? I would never have met one of the loves of my life and I would have spared myself the agonising heartbreak of losing him.

Always look on the bright side of life

Thinking of those events in the manner that I have described has the ability to crush my soul for days. There is no getting away from the fact that ‘what if’ is usually thought about in relation to scenarios we wish were different.

I have been focusing a lot on how I react to my own thoughts and feelings. My time on this Earth is limited and I refuse to spend it responding to something in a way that causes me pain. I try to see the positives in things even when the experience is painful.

If Kirsty were still here we would both be living our lives to the best of our abilities. I do have my sad days over the fact she isn’t here but I am so thankful that I got to spend my childhood with her. Kirsty’s absence reminds and inspires me to live life to the full because that is how she lived. We created some of my most cherished memories and that is what I choose to focus on.

I didn’t get to say goodbye to my grandfather. For the longest time I resented the members of my family that actually did. Looking back now I can attribute that feeling to guilt. I let my ‘monkey mind’ tell me that he hadn’t known how much I loved him because I hadn’t told him. But wait – lets examine the years I did have with him.

During school holidays I would ask to stay by myself at grandad’s because I wanted to spend time with him. I would ride my bike to buy fish and chips and balance it precariously on the handlebars all the way home. I would sit at grandad’s feet and we would watch the opera together on the TV with subtitles. When I was younger I would crawl into grandad’s bed and read him a morning story. In life, I can say that I spent the most amount of time with him. He knew exactly how much I loved him. That’s how I choose to look at it.

If I hadn’t gone out in cheltenham I would never have met some of the most incredible people who I am blessed to still call friends. I would have missed out on feeling the kind of love I’d only read about in fairytales. Yes I ended up with some pain but I will never regret experiencing that all consuming, everything or nothing, ‘bubble’ kind of love even for a moment. I choose to look at it as a beautiful experience.

So change it up! Don’t let your ‘What if’s’ weigh you down. View them as something positive and I am sure you’ll find your whole outlook changes.