Diary of a Soul Searcher

Trying to find a place in this world

  • About
  • Life
  • Health

Mental Health and the importance of asking “Are you ok?”

January 13, 2023 By: soulsearchingdiarycomment

Mental Health is a topic I feel very strongly about. Having battled and overcome depression twice, it’s something I actively have to work on daily to keep healthy. 

Mental health encompasses emotional, psychological and social well-being and it affects how we act, think and feel. A study in New Zealand found that one in four people reported having seriously considered suicide or self-harm which is both shocking and alarming to me!

“What mental health needs is more sunlight, more candor, and more unashamed conversation.” – Glenn Close

A few days ago I was drafting a completely different post to the one you are now reading. *Ding*, I looked at my phone and smiled, it was one of my bffs. Reading the message I knew immediately something was wrong. “… I will always be thankful for your friendship and everything.. I will always love you please remember that. X”. I dropped everything and replied, “Love you too xxx”, “You ok? XXX”. She responded, “No I’m not.. but don’t worry.”. The next message was a link to a song which began, “Now it’s time for me to go. A new dawn for my little soul. So goodbye beloved friend. There’s a life beyond, this is not the end.”.

My friend very rarely reaches out when she is having difficulties; something I understand all too well. I often feel like a burden which results in me retreating into my shell and dealing with my problems alone. I was thankful she reached out but the tone of the conversation had me in full blown panic mode.

“You don’t have to be positive all the time. It’s perfectly okay to feel sad, angry, annoyed, frustrated, scared and anxious. Having feelings doesn’t make you a negative person. It makes you human.” — Lori Deschene

There is a wonderful suicide prevention organisation in Australia called ‘R U OK?’ which promotes the idea that “a conversation could change a life”. They suggest the following four steps:

  1. Ask R U OK?
  2. Listen
  3. Encourage Action
  4. Check in

I was on step two at this point, desperately trying to find out where she was and what had happened. I offered words of support and encouragement and told her that I was there for her no matter what. Her replies were short and anguished in tone, “No I can’t take this pain any longer… I can’t handle it…Why are you so far away… I feel so alone”.  As I hastily tried to pour every ounce of support, love and emotion into a reply, another one came through, “it’s better for me to leave this world.. no-one loves me.. no one needs me.. I just bring pain in everyone’s life“. I proceeded to send three messages which got no reply. Ten minutes passed and I messaged again; nothing. Another ten minutes: “I’m really worried please message and let me know you are ok xx”. Radio silence.

“Just because no one else can heal or do your inner work for you doesn’t mean you can, should, or need to do it alone.” – Lisa Olivera

At this point I was losing my mind! I thought of every worst case scenario and knew I’d never forgive myself if I didn’t do everything in my power to help. After my attempts to call my friend and her husband went unanswered I called a mutual friend who was geographically the closest person I knew to her. Unfortunately it was three o’clock in the morning her local time and her phone was off. I began hoping my friend had just gotten tired and fallen sleep but I daren’t be nonchalant about it. I had to take the last message at face value; my friend was so unhappy she was thinking about taking her life.

The following hours were horrendous. I felt helpless and my own mental health was declining by the minute. Maybe I wasn’t supportive enough. Did I say the wrong thing? I hadn’t shown her how much I cared about her – I was a terrible friend! I scoured the internet for ways to contact her local police office but the websites were in another language. What would I tell them anyway? I didn’t have the address for my friend to hand and I’ve never memorised a European address in my life! All I could do was wait for whomever was going to send me a reply back first.

My friend in need was thankfully the one to get back to me first. She called in flood of tears, full of self-doubt and loathing, barely able to speak. My personal struggles with mental health have taught me that the best thing anybody can do is listen; so I did. Two hours later she had told me all of the issues that were consuming her and so I moved on to step three. I shared what little wisdom I felt I had and gave some suggestions as to how she could break each issue down. By the end of the call she sounded calmer and we agreed to check in once she had taken some of the immediate steps.

The subsequent check-in went well and by that time our mutual friend was also on the scene offering support. I don’t know how serious my friend was about ending her life that night, I’m too scared of the answer to ask the question, but I do know if I hadn’t asked, “R U OK?” the outcome may have been very different.  

“We do as we have been done by.” ― John Bowlby

John Bowlby (1907-1990) was a psychoanalyst who believed that mental health and behavioural problems could be attributed to early childhood. I became familiar with his theory of attachment when studying for my Childhood and Youth Studies degree and it is one I’m still fascinated by today. The main points of Bowlby’s theory are:

  • Children come into the world biologically pre-programmed to form attachments.
  • A child has an innate need to attach to one main attachment figure.
  • The critical period for developing attachment is up to 2.5 years of age.
  • Disruption of the attachment could result in cognitive, social, and emotional difficulties for that infant.
  • The relationship with the primary caregiver provides an internal working model (cognitive framework) comprising of mental representations for understanding the world, self and others. It becomes a prototype for all future social relationships.

When you think about it like that it appears we start dealing with mental health right from birth. Babies are reliant on adults to provide them with everything they need to survive and thrive whilst adults rely on cues to indicate what babies need and when. This is not easy during those first years without language but crying and gesticulation seem to work well for both parties!

“Not until we are lost do we begin to understand ourselves.” ― Henry David Thoreau

I have suffered with self-doubt and anxiety since I was a teenager and if I choose to relate it to Bowlby’s theory I can definitely pinpoint some reasons why this might be the case. It’s no surprise (to me at least) that I was / am susceptible to mental health disorders such as depression and PTSD.

Those experiences and how I survived them deserve their own posts but for now let me share a few of the lessons learned:

  • Nobody can pull you out of a mental health episode but yourself. Many well-wishing friends and family will try. They’ll give advice, invite you out, provide tough love but ultimately they will not understand when you choose to ignore all of it. During my first bout of depression my significant other tried all of the above tactics. I think it broke him a little that I didn’t try to get better for him – I just wasn’t ready. It was a long time before I was able to work on myself, but when I finally did it was because I wanted to get better for me! Friends, partners, and sometimes even family, may come and go but the one person staying with you forever is you. Do everything in life for yourself!
  • Reaching out to professionals is not a sign of weakness. I really struggled to reach out during my depressive episodes. When the mind is full of all-consuming self-doubt it’s hard to believe you’re not burdening others with your troubles. During a moment of clarity I remembered Doctors are there for everyone, regardless of burden, so I booked an appointment. Being able to reach out and let somebody suitably qualified in was the first step of my journey to recovery. I was prescribed anti-depressants which helped regulate my moods and thoughts. Over time I began experiencing more moments of positivity and self-love which resulted in me participating more in life. By the time I came off the medication I felt like a normal functioning human again. I had the ability to recognise the signs and symptoms of poor mental health and when depression number two struck me it was that self-awareness that helped me repeat the steps I’d previously taken to win that battle too!
  • Exercise really does help. Exercise has always been an important part of my routine and never more so than when I am battling negative mental health symptoms. COVID lockdown restrictions hit me hard and I struggled with feelings of isolation, overeating and lack of exercise. I had to find alternative ways of getting daily movement in before I lost all motivation and turned into a whale. I am very thankful to Les Mills for their Facebook Live workouts which I managed to do from the confines of my room. They gave me some much needed socials and (with nothing else to do) I felt more committed. I often did two sessions a day and as a result came out of lockdown feeling my fittest in years. 
  • I just need somebody to listen to me. This is by far the most important thing anybody can do for me if I reach out to them. Rarely am I able to take advice unless I’ve come to the conclusion myself and am ready to take action. Most of the time I just want somebody to listen to me. To know there are people in my life who aren’t trying to “fix” me gives me the strength to be vulnerable. I’m not looking to be given answers, I just want to know those I love will be there for me whilst I navigate the waters myself.

“Promise me you’ll always remember: You’re braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think.” — Christopher Robin from Winnie the Pooh

Life is so demanding and insular that at times I forget about the world around me. Whilst I check in with friends regularly it wasn’t until my scare that I realised I haven’t been checking in with my friends. I will aim to do better because they consistently do better for me. With that in mind if anybody reading this is struggling, please know I am here for you! I will listen without judgement and I will be there for you as you ride the waves to shore. I am a phone call, text or email away. Friend or stranger it doesn’t matter! I am here for you… So before I sign off let me just ask one last thing… “R U OK?”.

Mental Health Quote

A New Year has tiptoed in

January 6, 2023 By: soulsearchingdiarycomment

“Celebrate endings – for they precede new beginnings.” – Jonathan Lockwood

Happy New Year and hello 2023… What took you so long?

Happy New Year Sandra Style!

2022 was a rollercoaster of a year for me and I was glad to see the back of it. I said goodbye with a few of my favourite things: food, Moet, Elton John and Taylor Swift. This is a departure from how I usually see a New Year in but it felt a little more satisfying. Hear me out…

  1. Let’s face it, hospitality venues capitalise greatly during the holiday season and their peak event is New Year’s Eve. I was definitely financially better off staying indoors.
  2. I didn’t get drunk, make a fool of myself or wake up with a hangover.
  3. I danced like nobody (except the dogs) was watching. There was none of the self-consciousness that usually occurs at large scale New Year events. I experienced no mindless small talk and no expectation to be on my best behaviour.

There are no real drawbacks that I can think of to my solo NYE escapade. Sure, I had a moment of loneliness but I picked up the phone and dialled home.

“New year – a new chapter, a new verse, or just the same old story? Ultimately we write it. The choice is ours.” – Alex Morritt

I spent the majority of 2022 obsessing over my future. I have some big decisions to make this year and some that may very well be out of my control. Obsessing over the past and future does nobody any good, it rids us of our present happiness. I have come to terms with the fact that the future cannot be predicted. I say, “control what you can and deal with what you can’t when it happens.”

The last thing I want to do as a person is stagnate; I’m a Soul Searcher after all! I believe 2023 has huge potential and I would like to grow both personally and professionally. I have promised myself not to get too caught up in the timeline of it all. If I end the year feeling that I have bettered myself in some way, I’ll take that as a win.

I tend to do this thing you see, where I go all out trying to get immediate results. In 2022 I mentally and physically exhausted myself trying to go to the gym everyday. This unobtainable goal lead to self-destructive patterns of behaviour and a negative mentality about my body. In hindsight I see a strong correlation between my gym regime and the decline in social events I attended! This year I’ll ensure it doesn’t take over my life or dictate how I view myself!

I must give credit where credit is due to for my epiphany. One of my good friends called me out on the illusionary relationship I appear to have with myself. It was that conversation that promoted a realisation that the perception I have of myself is exactly that; a perception.

Who am I comparing myself to? Why am I punishing myself trying to obtain the unobtainable? I have a medical condition that causes bloating, pain and severe fatigue to list just a smidge. Why am I crucifying myself because my body won’t mould into the perfect form? I’m not failing my fitness goals because I missed a day here and there, I’m failing because my idea of perfect is a reflection of what I believe other people want from me. My 2023 fitness goals look very different now. I will be doing what I can to the best of my abilities and I will be happy with it!

“Many years ago, I made a New Year’s resolution to never make New Year’s resolutions. Hell, it’s been the only resolution I’ve ever kept!”- D.S. Mixell

“New Year, new me” has to be one of the most popular New Year quote’s if not the most popular. Whilst I feel a sense of karmic catharsis when the clock strikes midnight and the date changes to 01/01 I cannot say that I morph from Cinders to Cinderella.

I used to be a firm believer in New Year resolutions. Like most people I would start with gusto and then, more often than not, falter in motivation mid-year. It’s not that I can’t stick to resolutions, it’s simply my consistency to put unrealistic expectations on myself. Let’s dive in shall we?

  1. Lose XXX amount of weight and get in shape. As mentioned previously this is never going to work for me. My idea of “in shape” subconsciously resembles some sort of model or popular celebrity in their twenties. My weight target is always 9st (57.15kg) which coincidently is what I was when I was in my twenties. In order to achieve this I usually embark on a crazy restrictive diet, a rigourous gym routine and to top it off I give myself a time frame for achieving it. If I miss a gym session or break the diet in any small way I self-sabotage. I won’t rationally think to stop at one piece of chocolate, oh no! I have ruined the entire day so let’s crack open the wine and order a pizza! See how easy I am setting myself up to fail?
  2. Give up alcohol for XXX amount of time. It’s not that I have a problem with alcohol. The problem is that I bow to peer pressure and make decisions that when sober I probably wouldn’t have made. This usually results in the declaration “I’m giving up alcohol!” which leads to the “I can’t” mentality. Feeling deprived of something often results in obsessing and subsequent overindulgence of whatever one is abstaining from. I have come to the conclusion that it’s more about the environments I’m drinking in than the alcohol itself. I do not have to say yes to every social event because I have FOMO. FOMO exists only in my mind and so it’s time to start surrounding myself with the “right vibes” rather than swearing off alcohol altogether!
  3. Call family more often. I carry a tremendous amount of guilt and insecurity about my decision to live so far away. This is one resolution that consistently trips me up not least because of the time difference. How many of us adults actually see/talk to our family everyday? I start the year with the best of intentions to call daily but time zones and life… am I right? Before work (and coffee) I am a neurotic ball of panic. I wake at the last possible minute so I’ve had to master the art of getting ready in 60 minutes. God forbid I haven’t decided on a work outfit the night before! I have very little time/energy/motivation to call anybody in the early AM. Lunch time won’t work because it is too late. After work is usually gym, cook food and collapse in a corporate employee heap on my bed. Weekends are somewhat better but still definitely not the AM. I’ll be catching up on all the z’s I missed during the week mindlessly scrolling socials/fighting off work anxiety. Weekend evenings are the winner but maybe not Saturday as I often have plans making the most of time off. So Sunday… Once a week… without fail right? Well now I’m back to stressing about the work week ahead. I’m prepping lunches, cleaning the apartment and choosing work outfits. So when? The answer has always been when I can. I text every day but somehow it doesn’t feel the same. My “when I can” leaves me feeling like a bad daughter / sibling so I need to change my mindset. I won’t apologise for my full-on life but I will ensure that when I call home it’s a quality conversation. Quality over quantity always!
  4. Read more. In 2017 I set the lofty goal of reading 100 books… I read 9. Each year since I have set the same goal; read a book a week. 52 books in 52 weeks seems like an easy feat when you are able to read as fast as me. I achieved 12, 11, 7, 6 and 10 respectively; I even joined a book club! Again, I’ve assigned a quantitive value to a goal. At the end of each year when I don’t reach the number I feel like an under-cultured failure. One book read is better than no books right? If I read / listen to one book this year I’ll be happy (and before you say it because you’ve read my about page) yes… that one book is probably going to be Colin Jost’s!
  5. Save money. This is a tough one for me! I’m constantly torn between how others feel about money and how I feel about money. I earn enough to live but not enough to save masses. How much should I be saving a year? What should I be saving for? A friend of mine recently suggested it was time for me to invest in property. It was ironic because several messages prior they were explaining that there were no real gains from having a rental property and it would cost too much to sell and move from their current home. Why on earth would I buy in this current climate? As a single woman I don’t feel an obligation to buy a house yet, I’m happy to rent. My purpose for working is to so I can afford some luxuries in life. This year for example I’m going on “bucket list” holiday with a girlfriend to Stagecoach Festival in California with a few nights in LA and a long weekend in Vancouver planned. I mean… for a self-proclaimed country music, American accent, travel loving woman this is a dream! Could I do that with a mortgage, home insurance and all the other costs involved in owning a home? Probably not! Will I ever think about buying a home? Yes! When/if my circumstances change (that means relationship/marriage or children). But for now, I’m happy spending my extra cash on making memories for myself. You won’t catch me reminiscing about my laminate flooring or double glazed windows on my deathbed, no siree! I’ll be thinking about that time I found the love of the my life at a country music festival…

“The first step towards getting somewhere is to decide you’re not going to stay where you are.” – J.P. Morgan

Have you noticed what all of the above have in common? They’re all based on quantitive measures of success which is a surefire way of feeling shit about myself if I don’t hit the number. 2023 I’m changing it up and going for the qualitative approach. I will strive to do the best I can in everything I choose to pursue. The act of trying will be considered a win and I will negate all of my OCD need for measuring success against a number to the winds of 2022.

“Never underestimate the power you have to take your life in a new direction.” – Germany Kent

What are your 2023 goals?

S x

Recent Posts

  • Mental Health and the importance of asking “Are you ok?”
  • A New Year has tiptoed in

Copyright © 2023 · Modern Blogger Pro on Genesis Framework · WordPress · Log in